Babe, Are You Listening to Me?

Babe, Are You Listening to Me?

Scenario 1A: “It seems like you had a bad day, do you wanna tell me what happened?”B: “Yea, I messed up with the files during meeting… and then I spilled water on the table…and…… Thanks for listening to me, honey, I feel better now. How about you, are you doing okay?”Scenario 2A: “It seems like you had a bad day, do                  you wanna tell me what happened?”B: “Nah, I’m fine. I can handle this by              myself, you can’t help me with this          anyways.”(I don’t want to rely on you too much.)Scenario 3A: “It seems like you had a bad day, do you wanna tell me what happened?”B: “You see, you don’t even care about me. I’ve been in low mood for few hours but now only you ask me about this. You don’t care about me as much as before, am I not good enough? You don’t       love me anymore?”Scenario 4When they first get together…A: “It seems like you had a bad day, do you wanna tell me what happened?”B: “Hmm.. today I….I feel so much better now. You’re so sweet, babe!”Being together for six months…A: “It seems like you had a bad day, do you wanna tell me what happened?”B: “Why are you being so nice to me? What if you leave me one day and how do I live without you? …Can you just leave me alone for a while?”

The 4 Main Attachment Styles in Romantic Relationships

Does one of the scenarios ring a bell?Typically, attachment is formed when one is emotionally bonded with another person and sees the person as a secure base when exploring the world. Attachment theory began with psychiatrist John Bowlby, who suggested that children develop expectations about relationships from their early experiences with caregivers. Mary Ainsworth’s research (Ainsworth et al., 1978) described three patterns in infants: secure, anxious-avoidant and anxious-resistant (ambivalent). Main and Solomon (1990) later added a fourth, disorganised pattern. These early patterns can influence – but do not fix – how we approach friendships and romantic relationships later in life.Hazan and Shaver (1987) were among the first to apply attachment theory to adult romantic love. Building on this, Bartholomew and Horowitz (1991) proposed a four-category model of adult attachment: secure, dismissing (avoidant), preoccupied (anxious) and fearful-avoidant. Researchers often describe these styles along two dimensions – anxiety about abandonment and avoidance of intimacy – which is how they are summarised below. Integrating with the scenario given earlier, I will use B’s response as an example of each attachment style:

Scenario 1 – Secure attachmentLow anxiety about abandonment + Low avoidance of intimacySecure adults in a romantic relationship usually feel worthy and loved. They seek emotional support from their partners and able to provide the support in return. They also tend to have honest and equal relationships.For example, B appreciated A and managed to express his/her feelings and care to A.

Scenario 2 – Avoidant/Dismissive attachmentLow anxiety about abandonment + High avoidance of intimacyAdults with this attachment style tend to be emotionally distant from their partners and uninterested in intimacy. They may need more space and time for themselves and they see pushing their partners away as a way to protect themselves from being hurt.For instance, B was afraid to be too dependent on A and being vulnerable.Scenario 3 – Anxious/Preoccupied attachmentHigh anxiety about abandonment + Low avoidance of intimacyAdults with an anxious attachment style often crave closeness and reassurance, and may worry that their partner will lose interest or leave. Small signs of distance can feel very threatening, so they may seek reassurance often or feel jealous at times. This usually comes from fear of losing the relationship, not from a wish to control.For example, B was being over-analyzing when A did not notice his/her mood earlier.Scenario 4 – Disorganized/ Fearful-avoidant attachmentHigh anxiety about abandonment + High avoidance of intimacy“To love, or not to love” is the age-old question for disorganized adults, and they can feel overwhelmed by their own emotions and contradictory thoughts – wanting closeness, yet fearing it at the same time.In particular, B was having hot and cold times when he/she was with A.*Notes: – Anxiety about abandonment refers to the extent of one’s perception of others’ availability and accessibility when they                   need them.– Avoidance of intimacy refers to the situation in which people avoid exhibiting closeness with others and prefer to beindependent.Having said that, the researchers posited that adults’ attachment styles could be changed accordingly once a romantic relationship is formed, meaning that when their romantic partners become their primary attachment figures, they may become more secure/ less secure with their partner and may become less secure/ more secure with other important people in their lives such as family and friends. Besides, it seems like one’s attachment styles might be shifted based on different contexts. For example, even though people have a secure attachment with their parents, they may experience insecure social relationships because of other environmental factors such as one’s past friendship and romantic relationship experiences. Furthermore, it was shown that in a relationship, those with insecure attachments might be positively influenced by their partners who developed a secure attachment style.

Ways to Communicate with Insecure Partners

1.  Anxious / PreoccupiedIndividuals with this attachment style usually interpret conflict as a threat in the relationship as they fear that they will be abandoned. Because of this constant fear, they display intense emotions, making constructive communication difficult between them and their partners.How to deal with a preoccupied partner:– be honest and transparent– be there to listen– make them feel safe– don’t argue with them that their fear is irrational but try to understand the reasons behind it– set healthy boundaries2.  Avoidant/dismissiveSimilarly, avoidant/dismissive individuals see conflict as a threat since they are not comfortable with self-disclosure that requires emotional intimacy. Thus, they normally use distancing strategies and show defensiveness when there are conflicts in the relationship.How to deal with a dismissive partner:– say “thank you”, as avoidant partner’s perceived gratitude is associated with higher relationship satisfaction and commitment.– provide them less reassurance/support that is unnecessary at the moment.– praise them and let them know if they do something you like for you– set healthy boundaries3.  Disorganized/Fearful-avoidantIndividuals with this attachment style often swing between wanting closeness and pulling away. For some people, this pattern is linked to difficult or frightening experiences earlier in life, though not always.How to deal with a disorganized partner:– be patient to talk with them– make them feel safe– being genuine for them

Attachment Styles and Relationship Satisfaction

A past study investigated the relationship between attachment styles and marital satisfaction. It was shown that the higher the insecure attachment styles (i.e. avoidant/dismissive style and anxious/preoccupied style), the lower the marital satisfaction. This may be linked to some of the difficulties that can come with insecure attachment, such as finding stressful situations harder to handle, feeling less comfortable with closeness, or worrying more about the relationship.Early experiences matter too. Research has found links between childhood maltreatment and insecure attachment, particularly the fearful-avoidant style. This does not mean the past decides your future: attachment patterns can change, especially with supportive relationships and professional help. To learn more, read Child Abuse: You Don’t Need to Hit to Hurt. If a child is in danger, call 999 or Talian Kasih 15999. If you are struggling or thinking about harming yourself, call Talian HEAL 15555 or Befrienders KL 03-7627 2929 (24 hours), or 999 in an emergency.“A great relationship is about two things: First, appreciating the similarities, and second, respecting the differences.” In a romantic relationship, it always requires two lovers to make efforts together to make things last. It is also important to know that one’s attachment style is changeable, and don’t frame yourself permanently in a specific insecure attachment category. Instead, try to acknowledge and understand your/your partner’s attachment style is, and then keeping/working on it. Couples counselling or family counselling can also help. Working with a professional can strengthen your relationship and the commitments of both you and your partner.

Thank you for reading!

This article is for general education only and is not a substitute for professional assessment, diagnosis or treatment.

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