Shame and Self-Doubt in Youth and Young Adults

The painful experience of shame is often hard to withstand, regardless of your age, and it eats away your sense of self as well as makes you feel small in the face of life obstacles and social interactions.  Shame is a complicated emotion that mixes embarrassment and distress. It stems from a perceived wrongdoing, or from the belief that one has broken social norms or acted inappropriately. It is a self-conscious emotion: unlike basic emotions such as joy and sadness, it is not present from birth, and only forms when a child begins to develop self-awareness and the ability to self-evaluate. Questioning oneself for what could or should have been done or thinking how others must have ridiculed him/her for his/her action are typical thoughts of shame. Over time, they can pave the way for self-doubt and self-criticism, forming a vicious cycle that shapes how we judge ourselves and plan for the future.

What underlies the surface of shame is the sense of worthlessness, inferiority and low self-esteem alongside the feeling of being caught red-handed and fearing the consequences. It can be very self-defeating and can get in the way of how well one handles tasks, often with physical signs of stress such as a faster heart rate and flushing. There are two types of shame; (1) state shame, which is a short-lived feeling that can be triggered by everyday events, and (2) trait shame, which forms when experiences of state shame are repeatedly internalised and can have long-term harmful effects on one’s mental well-being. According to Arnett (2000), individuals who are going through the stage of ‘emerging adulthood’ tend to be especially concerned with self-evaluation and social comparison. That is why shame in this stage deserves attention: when it builds up, it may increase the risk of difficulties such as depression and anxiety.

Emerging adulthood is a stage that is highly characterized by instability, in which people aged roughly 18 to 25 face constant changes in their surroundings and responsibilities. Those who have just graduated from high school could be having concerns about working or pursuing tertiary education, moving out of home or settling down, bringing a state of uncertainty, and feeling-in-between the identities and what adulthood actually means to them. Whatever that they say or act might be perceived to represent who they are and their level of competencies. This leads to more anxiety when it comes to self-presentation. Starting off with lesser experience than the people around you either in the campus or workplace, it is never easy and there would be a lot of trial and error in the learning process that may possibly land one in fear, embarrassment and disappointment towards the self. Not meeting their own or other people’s expectations often leads to shame: a shrinking sense of self-worth next to the people they work or study with, followed by fear of rejection and self-doubt as they spiral down the rabbit hole of shame. If one internalizes the experience of shame, it can bring harmful outcomes such as lowering self-esteem, hindering one’s capability to present his/her ideal perspectives and feeding their state of stagnancy with self-hatred and maladaptive patterns as mentioned in characteristics of trait shame.

Understanding that it is often hard to strike an equilibrium in life, especially during the period of assuming new societal role and responsibilities, one should refrain from adopting the habit of internalizing shame towards themselves when it is inevitable to have unexpected incidents and dejection occurring throughout the process of self-exploration.  There are small practices to work it out in which one needs to commit and incorporate them in the daily life events. First of all, in terms of managing expectations, realistic goals and preparation of countermeasure are essential components to avoid being caught in the spiral of shame and self-doubt. When it comes to setting goals before the starting of a semester or work, realistic planning gives a clearer vision of personal and organizational growth and at the same time considering resources available to support the process of achieving the desirable goals. Meanwhile, a realistic preparation countermeasure refers to a practical strategy to use when one fails to meet an expectation, to ease the feeling of shame and dejection after the failure by providing a more positive outlook such as focusing on the lesson engendered instead of caving into the critical thoughts one has towards their own character or competence.

Besides, practising self-forgiveness can help you notice unhelpful beliefs and replace them with kinder, self-affirming statements. This includes acknowledging past mistakes, relating them back to the values you hold, and working towards balance through personal growth while responding to your inner critic with self-affirming statements when it appears. It can help release you from negative emotions tied to the past, such as shame or resentment, and encourage the compassion to embrace every part of yourself. On the other hand, past research has found that shame-proneness trait, which refers to a strong tendency to feel shame and blame oneself whenever things go wrong, could be traced back to early negative experiences such as harsh parenting, attachment difficulties and abuse of any kind. In this case, it is worth seeking professional help. Counselling and psychotherapy can offer insight into suppressed or unresolved emotional issues and guidance towards a healthier way of experiencing life.

Nevertheless, it is important to understand that one’s worth is not defined by his/ her past mistakes especially for young people with so many opportunities and explorations ahead. Find your own pace for the obstacles to come, knowing there is no need to bind yourself with self-blame just to prove that you are capable of doing well.

If shame and self-doubt show up as a constant feeling of being a fraud at school or work, you may find our article What Is Imposter Syndrome? helpful. And if these feelings are weighing on you, talking to a counsellor or psychologist can help. If you are in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, call Talian HEAL 15555, Befrienders KL 03-7627 2929 (24 hours), or 999 in an emergency.

This article is for general education only and is not a substitute for professional assessment, diagnosis or treatment.

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